Lessons in letting go: Part V

The monarch butterfly emerged from her chrysalis yesterday. My apology for fuzzy focus, I was a little awe struck by her beauty and mystery

If I had to identify one key theme of my life in the past two years it would be this: it is harder to let go than to hold on, even when what we are clinging to is obviously doing us no damn good.

When I learned about Mr. B's abduction I was overwhelmed not only by fear and concern for him but also by a terrible wave of guilt. The guilt washed in like a heavy rain cloud stealing the sunny moments from my day. As I walked home from the coast along the ridge of Wellington's stunning "green belt" - surrounded on all sides by vistas of harbour, hills and native bush - I would be about to lose myself in a moment of pure bliss when a voice in my head would berate me.

"How can you be so happy when we are still suffering?"
"What about us?"
"Don't you care about us at all?"
"Have you forgotten about us?"

And beneath it all this insidious message:

"If you let yourself go fully and enjoy this moment then you will forget about us"

Quietly, quietly this week I have come to recognise that I was hanging onto the guilt for fear that if I let it go I would also let go of them. I was afraid of becoming like so many other people, so wrapped up in my own world, my own happiness and comfort (or lack thereof), that I would stop caring about them.

Them.

All the people I've met in Afghanistan, Timor-Leste and Palestine whose lives continue to be insecure, poor and relentlessly harsh. All the people I worked with who are still there, working through the cold, dark winter to bring a little relief, to provide a little security. All the people I have never met but whose conflict and natural disaster afflicted worlds are more real to me some days than this fantasy land we live in here in New Zealand.

I'm terrified of forgetting them. But how could I ever forget them? Seriously. It's impossible, right? But I've been so afraid of it that I've been clinging to my guilt as a kind of reminder. Every time I get too close to relaxing into joy, pleasure and fun my guilt kicks in like one of those electric shocks that scientists give to rats in aversion response research.

"Oh - look at that amazing sunrise over the south coast. Feel the sun on my skin. Feel the amazing freedom of walking: alone and safe. Revel in the pleasure of the moment. This is perfection. This is bliss."

ZAP - guilt

"Ouch. Oh, no. I was forgetting them. I was forgetting how terrible the world is for a moment. Thank goodness for guilt. This way I'll never forget."

Crazy.

I'm a little bit crazy like that. I guess we all are. Hanging onto guilt, fear, pain just because we are afraid of what might happen if we let it go.

Realising that I was choosing to hold onto the guilt because of this fear of forgetting, together with realising that it is impossible for me to ever forget, has helped me begin to let it go. Little by little I've been letting go of the guilt. Letting myself relax into the joyful moments. The joy of walking free and safe along the hill behind my own house. Those are the freedoms for which I would fight for any other person. So I guess I can let myself enjoy them without guilt.

PS: No confirmed news of Mr. B but thanks to HiK for her report that he may still be alive and being held. I'm holding onto that hope.

Comments

[amy]

what beautiful, powerful words. thank you for sharing them. i have never met you but from your stories and your gorgeous photos, i get the feeling that a passion for decency, social justice and kindness is embedded so deeply in your bones that even in those moments of joy you are mindful of the things that matter most.

[Alex]

I have VERY similar feelings of guilt and "fear of forgetting" when it comes to my family and Brazil. I come from a VERY simple family and my upbringing and theirs was very modest. By growing up in a 3rd world country like Brazil, I experienced sorrow, injustice and much poverty. It is impossible to forget, I agree. I know I never will. And... Even though I make an effort to do my best and be righteous... It doesn't feel like it's enough. Like you, I still feel ~ everyday ~ that following my own path and building a beautiful life is wrong and self indulgent. That is one of the reasons I took a break blogging last year. Seemed to me that there was so much more to take care of... All more important issues than my self absorbed creative journey!!! Then, a little voice showed up in meditation for me. It said that I have the right to live my own life too. The life that was given to me, the life I chose... "They" have a life that will still be theirs... No matter how much I can give to it... It is still their life, their path. And as much as I want to be there for them, if I am not "whole", what is the point? (Sorry if there is lots of rumbling here... By no means I have this figured out...)It is tough to fully embrace the idea of letting go, letting be. I think all we can do is be honest to our inner most desire to live fully our own life! I am moving fwd with the knowledge gained from being in that reality, and from that place of clarity, I try to walk through this world making more educated decisions that still are something... The little we do still has so much power! And maybe this new path you're taking will have even a bigger impact in "their" lives. I think it will, actually, because you shine so bright and you'll make miracles manifest!

Think as if we were seeds, blown by the wind, blooming elsewhere where others need hope and cheer too.

Walking by your side xxox

[Mary]

A beautiful insightful post.
xxx
M

[homeinkabul]

inspirational. I know it's hard but I think you're making the right decision...

[Delia]

You are in such a deep place...I hope you'll be gentle with yourself! As you so eloquently noted, letting go of the guilt does *not* mean letting go of your memories and the connections you have with so many others still there.
Love,
D.

[susanna]

Yes, you are absolutely right - you do deserve the freedoms for which you would fight (and have fought) for any other person. Lord knows that you've done your part in making this world a better place and I can see you continuing doing that because that's the person you are. You have every right to surround yourself with beauty, to be creative, to find happiness, love and well-being. Everything that you would wish for someone else, you should have, too.

PS - I mailed a letter to you this past week. :)

[sassy]

Hanging in there with you... Frida, you're one of my heroes.

BTW, I gave you an award. You can come see if you want.

[Di]

I was thinking of Mr B today, hoping that he is okay.

[Jeni]

No matter what I or we say, like "there is no use feeling guilty", I know it won't help you. What you are going through is very tough and will take some time to sort out. You have done so much as the others have said, and no doubt, you will continue to do so much more. There are many ways to help (as you once told me) besides being on the "frontlines" full time. Your stories and passions that you share with others are very important, and will continue to help all those that you love in the countries you left. Be at peace my friend, and go back to those teachings that help us so much. :-)