Dreaming of a happpy ending.

So where is the happy ending?

Today I finally settled into catch up on all that has been going on in Ghor while I was away. There have been more grenade attacks in town - last night a rocket was fired into a small wooded area on the edge of town. There are rumours around town that these attacks have been carried out by the police themselves in order to distract attention from the fact that they are busy providing an armed escort to drug traffickers hauling their illicit wares across the province.

In Passaband in the south of Ghor there was an advance into the province of numbers of Taleban fighters, faced with an advancing regiment of Afghan National Police they seem to have retreated to just inside the border and regrouped.

In Shahrak, in response to an ambush on a police convoy earlier this week that killed 10 police officers (including the Cheif of Police) and saw five more wounded and five abducted - the Afghan National Police are now preparing for operations in the area which may - sadly - turn out to look more like retribution than crime control.

All over the province there are reports of an impending humanitarian disaster as food aid trucks continue to fail to get through to Ghor. I just got back from a long meeting which made me realise finally just how confused everyone is about the food shortage and just how unprepared some key players seem to be.

I had a long meeting this morning about a string of unresolved human rights cases in relation to which the Government does not seem to be taking very proactive steps towards resolution. One case was of a 15 year old girl abducted and forceably married to the soldier of one powerful commander and then taken for a month to the house of the commander himself where she was allegedly repeatedly raped by the commander and eight of his armed men.

And everyone is looking at me asking me to help them find a solution.

And I have just over two weeks left here.

Talk about feeling separation guilt. I'm drowning in it tonight. One half of my heart and mind is screaming at me "How can you leave!!! You know that you have been making a difference here. You know that you can do more. These are your friends and your colleagues and you can't really be planning to abandon them!".

Another part of my heart and mind knows perfectly that I am not the solution to anyone's problems, that these problems are not going away anywhere fast and that it will never be the right time to leave. It may never be the right time to leave but I think that it is the right time to go home.

Then I got this email from a dear Palestinian friend living in Gaza:

"Dear Marianne,

I am not good my dear, every things around us in Gaza very disappointed, and so hard this time, no medical supplies in Gaza, no drinks, no food, every thing finished from the markets, we will not found it after that, I don't feel for any hope in the near future that something good will happen in Gaza, I think it will be more more worse, more closure for long time………. Any way, this is Gaza.

Thanks Marianne again for your kind message, and keep in touch.

With my love,

J"

I remembered with a rush the same mix of emotions thoughts and feeling when I left Gaza. I know very well that I could have stayed in Gaza all these years and the outcome for my friends there would not have been significantly altered. These messes are so much bigger than us.

That isn't the voice of hopelessness - I still believe we all have to do as much good as we can with whatever resources and opportunities we can find or make for ourselves. But I also know that the macro-level dynamics of Gaza and Ghor are equally out of the hands of one human rights officer/ humanitarian worker.

So it is pretty important not to start to feel as though you should be able to do more than you can do. It is pretty important not to start believing that this place and these people "need" me. It is pretty important to stay focused on doing what good I can and then letting go of the rest.

Still tonight I can't help heading off to bed dreaming of a happy ending for Gaza and for Ghor.

Comments

[SaraB]

There will be happy endings for Gaza and Ghor someday, I know it. ("The moral arc of the universe is long, but it bends toward justice," said dr. MLK.) And you have played your part--with grace, love, intelligence, humor and solidarity--to ensure those happy endings.

[Kerstin]

This post reminds me of my husband's decision to leave his medical profession and go into corporate. While he loved helping the patients at the hospital he felt that there was only so much he could do with his own two hands; he now develops life saving medical devices that reach a minimum of 500,000 people every year. I feel that you, too, are destined for a path that will ultimately touch, and save, many.

"It may never be the right time to leave but I think that it is the right time to go home." That sentence says it all. And to have happy endings you need to believe in them. Always.

[tiny noises]

another wise and heartfelt post. rest well and keep dreaming of happy endings.

[maddie]

You have a lovely heart sweetie ~ and it is time to go home ~
and love always triumphs in the end.

:)

[susanna]

Sigh. My heart goes out to that young girl and I pray, PRAY!, that she finds an out somewhere or a compassionate heart in someone from that hell. I just can't imagine why or how anyone can justify such cruelty.

And yes, I think you need to listen to your own heart, Frida. You are making a difference in Afghanistan but at the same time, you need to do what is good for you. Someone else will step into your shoes and carry on the good work.

Happy American Thanksgiving to you in your part of the world. I am so thankful that I got to meet wonderful you in NYC.

[Mary]

Oh lovely. It defies logic that such situations don't change. Why can't the world see sense? At least you can. I second Susanna - you are making a difference. Lots of aroha.
xx
M

[Colorsonmymind]

What a solid woman you are-your wisdom is clear and it seems that although it is tough to move on it is the best.
my heart is with you.
XOXIO

[Alexandra]

Nothing like your posts and the beautiful, giving, brave life you are choosing to lead to remind me of how much I have to be grateful here on Thanksgiving Eve. My heart hurts reading this post, for you, for all the people there who are suffering and for that 15 year old child. I can't imagine how you feel and all the feelings you must be going through as you prepare to leave and say your goodbyes. I remember I found coming back home after long last much harder than going away in the first place and I know as you end one chapter there they are really lucky people to have had you there. Do stay safe as you can and I send you a huge hug.

[Paris Parfait]

Yes, it's always hard to leave. But in all the years I covered the Middle East, the changes were minute, as the players remain the same. You are making a difference; you have made a difference and that's all anyone can do. You will continue to make a difference, no matter where you are - because that's what you do; it's who you are, a caring, compassionate woman who's passionately concerned about human rights. And the world is a better place because of what you have done and what you do. So take care of you for a while...xoxox

[mahima]

Frida:
Hugs.
Hugs.
Hugs.
M.

[Tickled Pink]

My heart overflows knowing there are people like you in the world. Thank you for doing all that you do.

[Jeni]

Frida, your words show what a difficult, difficult time this is for you. I can only imagine. I hope this thought helps: my sister is always reminding me how important it is to "be of service". (I feel that I do this daily and it feels so good.) While one humanitarian worker cannot change the big picture, or at least quickly, you have been OF SERVICE. Your humble and great work has changed many lives, touched countless people and brought some hope, justice and joy where there might otherwise have been none. So, while the macro level may seem out of our control, we effect change daily on the micro level, and eventually change on the micro level adds up and effects change on the macro level. So, you have made a difference, and will continue to in whatever path you follow. It is apparent that being of service is part of your calling...and that is a beautiful endeavor. Remember the butterfly flapping its wings here can effect the wind currents on the other side of the globe.
xo, jeni

[Brian]

You have made a difference in so many people's lives. Yet as you say, you are not responsible for what happens. Change comes from within and that applies to nations as well as individuals. When you leave it will be with the knowledge that you did the best job you could for the greatest number.

[Lin]

You have made the difference to individuals...your friends...women in Ghor...some soldiers lives...and I know so many people you don't even know of...maybe the smile for the woman at the market...or your friendly greeting in the morning to your guard...you HAVE MADE a significant difference to the lives of thousands...sending you love!!!!!!

[jen lemen]

ugh. i think this is why it is so brave to take on this kind of work. you are one part of the solution, and only one. if all the others (thousands maybe!) don't do their part, things stay the same. and that has got to be maddening. but love has to matter, right? expressing your love, your grief, your sorrow at going. letting your heart be seen, even as you go. that human connection must be worth something. without it your friends will think they are suffering unseen, that this plight is less than human.

i am going to bed tonight, praying and hoping that the flow of empathy will be worth as much as solutions. that it will give everyone energy to keep going, even when you have to go.

[Swirly]

You will continue to make a difference beyond your work in Afghanistan. Sharing your stories through your writing, a book, a photography exhibit - imagine how many people are going to be inspired by your experiences and march out to do whatever they can do to help. Your work in Afghanistan will continue even after you leave.